Mommy Chronicles

A funny look at motherhood and the mayhem it causes.

February 19, 2003

Spam I Could Actually Use

Like anyone who uses the Internet, I get a lot of spam. One of my e-mail accounts gets nothing but spam. It’s insane.

Newsweek ran a story awhile back about the people sending all this junk e-mail. One of them actually claimed that we should be grateful, because he and his fellow spammers contribute to the Gross National Product. I’ll grant him the gross part, I suppose. Beyond that, though, spam is pure evil. It’s gum on the shoe of mothers who work – which is all of us, whether or not we get paid.

For the record, spammers, I do not want any of my body parts to be enlarged. Nor do I want body parts I don’t actually own to be enlarged. The only teenagers that interest me are dry, horn-free and ready to baby-sit. What’s more, Miss Cleo can cram it in her turban.

Am I alone here? I don’t think so. So why do these spammers keep sending this stuff to us? I get the part that they want to make money. What I don’t get is why they haven’t figured out what people actually want. I may not be making $5,000 a week from home, but even I know if they’d offer something people wanted, they’d actually have a business with a future.

The day I get an e-mail with the subject line “Spray-on clothes for toddlers,” I will be interested. If the body of the mail said you could peel off the instapants, then recycle them at bedtime, or even better, serve them as a nutritious snack, I would buy them.

Speaking of things you can spray out of a can, why doesn’t someone spam me with a offers for product I once saw on an episode of The Tick? It was called Can O’ Man, and you could use it to squirt out a houseboy to clean your house, do errands or massage you, all the while imparting a handsome sandalwood or pine scent. I could use some of that.

On the other hand, I don’t want to refinance my mortgage, especially with a company that goes by the name Phree Prizes. I just want someone to come over and weed my parking strip so the neighbors stop their pointing and muttering. Where’s the spam for that?

And what about the spam for a Webcam that will make me good – instead of like someone who slept under an old car?

I don’t want to “BECOME YOUNGE AGAIN” by taking strange pills made from the hormones of innocent animals. Nor do I want to spray myself with anything that promises it will increase my animal attraction. But I would buy something that would stop the dust bunnies from breeding under the dining room table, bed, chairs and every other piece of furniture that has legs.

Also, instead of an instant college degree in my inbox, I’d rather have something that could help me answer the questions Lucy comes up with. The latest: What if dog poop had wheels? How do you answer that? I don’t know. But if I got spam that said, “Your Kids’ Questions Answered, Fast, Free & Confidential,” I’d definitely get all hot. Maybe even hot enough to send out some Hot Mama spam of my own.

Think anyone would buy it?


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