The Physics of Parenting

It doesn’t take a degree in rocket science to have kids. But then again, a basic understanding of physics can really help you raise your nuclear family.

Antimatter: Excessive, often inappropriate gifts given by aunts (and uncles)

Black hole: Your child’s brain after watching too much TV

Cold fusion: When your kids pass the same cold back and forth to each other all winter

Gravity: How you measure the length of a time out; the heavier the crime, the longer the time

Light year: The year before you became a parent (and each year before that)

Newtonian Physics: Explains the paradox of how fig cookies that stick to furniture can unstick your child’s colon

Particle Physics: The tendency of a couch to accumulate basic units of household matter

Perpetual Motion: The dance the dog does under the highchair

Quark: The sound that alerts you to a dirty diaper

Radioactivity: A child’s tendency to turn up the volume on the radio or TV, even after you've yelled "turn it down" 1,000 times

Relativity: The closer family members live to you, the faster they seem to run away when you need free baby-sitting

Speed of light: How quickly the morning comes when you’ve up all night with a newborn

String Theory: Explains why shoes always come untied, while yo-yos tie and kites do the opposite

Super collider: A room with two boys in it (see also quark and vortex)

Thermodynamics: The tendency of a child to squirm uncontrollably while you’re trying to take her temperature

Vortex: Another word for a room that has been visited by children